OK, SO I’M a big believer in dental hygiene, especially my own and that of my family, having had to ask that Bonehead absent himself to go take another swipe of his
toothbrush after breakfast.
And so when Chap started pestering me after dinner late last night, I was startled when it seemed he’d gargled a bucket of breath freshener and what felt like he’d lip-balmed with Ben Gay.
“What, is that new mouthwash made with turpentine?” I yelped.
“Hey, it extra strength,” he said. I’d obviously hit a nerve. Men like every little thing on God’s green earth Extra Strength, with More Power and don’t even get me started on New and Improved.
“Uh huh,” I said. “Where did you get it? Lumberjack Supply Corp?”
“No,” he said. “Home Depot.”
Ah. Of course.
I suppose it was only a matter of time before the Home Depot, the bastion of all things related to Manly Man-ness, started carrying personal hygiene products. I can see it now. Aisles and aisles of gas-powered nose-hair trimmers, located right next to the pine tar soap and the diesel-generator automatic toothbrush guaranteed to grind the grime off your teeth and the grout off the shower head.
And so it was that we wound up at Home Depot this morning. Again. Because God forbid a week go by without a trip to The Home Depot.
“What do we need?” I said, putting my purse in the big orange basket.
“We won’t know until we get there,” he said.
Apparently, I put off a deadline because we “needed” a roll of cable, another screwdriver (because apparently you can never have too many screwdrivers) and something called a GFI.
And a new shower head, because the one we’ve got is a year old and a newer model just came out.
There is something about the grainy, slightly metallic smell of Home Depot early in the morning that sets them off, makes them want run right out and buy brand new safety boots (New & Improved! Safety Boots) and rove the home improvement aisles looking for special tools that promise to do everything from shodding horses to sharpening swords.
And in addition to all the power tools and socket wrenches–the super store now carries five-bladed razors and manicure implements that look like pruning sheers. Grooming for the modern man has gone extreme, whoops, make that X-Treeeme!!! but sorry, boys, not buying it. Until you go in for a bi-weekly bikini wax, I don’t believe you have any idea what women go through for good grooming.
And now that there’s a 66% increase in men’s grooming sales, what’s next for Home Depot?
I predict a pharmacy section, complete with pills that puff up the Man Parts and birth control that requires a can of Raid and a Kevlar vest . . .